Loving more than being Loved

The weekend ahs ended too quickly for my liking, but what choice does an NSF have? Got to think about some things though, especially after watching I Do, I Do with my family on Saturday. The movie itself was full of cheap laughs and product placements that were too obvious for its own good, but it did strike a cord in me as it was about a despo, which by now most people should be only too aware of that I am one too. Like me, he is looking for love. Unlike me, he actually has a target. He even goes to such lengths as to reject quite an attractive Ang Moh, staying true to his real love, the ok but not overwhelmingly pretty Sharon Au. How many men have this type of emotional fortitude in real life? I seriously have no idea.

It got me wondering: would I be able to stay the path and concentrate all the way on a girl that I set my eyes on? I would like to think that I can, but unfortunately I have yet to be able to say for certain since I never really have a person of my dreams who I can say without an inkling of a doubt I would like to spend the rest of my life with (Too much for a guy who is barely out of his teens? I think so too). There are many girls that I thought I like, but I cannot say for sure whether it was merely infaturation or something more than that. Being quite the passive person, it was also difficult for me to explore the possibility of a relationship by actively asking the girl out. I tried asking a girl out before, but when she was not free on those occasions it would probably be too much for me to ask her out the third time. In baseball terms, I was afraid of striking out the third time.

Disgusted at my own lack of luck (or is it attractiveness?), I was to move on in search of greener pastures. I'm not quite sure whether I would have been successful have I been more persistent, but I guess I would not be able to find out since time has taken its toll and to ask the same girl out would just smack of insincerity. I think I was just waiting for a sign from the girl that I had a chance, but when I saw no sign coming it was the sign for me to give up.

Pathetic is the word many would use to describe this courtship, if it can even be called that. The problem with me in my opinion is that I need indications that a girl would be interested in me. When I know I have a chance, then only would I be ready to be totally committed to the girl. After all, a futile war is just throwing lives away, and so it is in the game of relationships. Some may argue that nothing ventured nothing gained, but the possibility of getting hurt is just too daunting a prospect for me to contemplate. I guess it is just the way I am, once you give me something, I will give you a lot more back, and love is no different.

My track record though may mean I have to swallow those very words though. There was this girl in secondary school then who did a lot of things for me, like buying gifts, making jelly for me. While I appreciate her generosity, I only treated her as a friend. Not that I'm a heartless arsehole, but I did suggest she was interested in me of which she vehemently denied. I should have known better, but still I took her word at face value. Another girl I was interested in secondary too did suggest through a mutual friend that she might be interested in me, but I was too chicken to just laugh it off... That it what a boy's school would do to passive guys like me (I'm just looking for scapegoats...).

But that is in the past and I have yet to find the green pastures to feed this lonely soul. Nowadays one particular girl is constantly on my mind, and I wonder whether I am falling in love again, but more importantly whether I even have a chance with her. A one-sided love doesn't sound like a particularly attractive prospect. On the other hand nobody has hit a home run without conquering the fear of striking out... So this time I think I will be singing for the fences.

Wish me luck guys... Though most likely I will chicken out... Sigh

Quote of the day

" Dance like no one is watching; Sing like no one is listening; Love like you've never been hurt; Live like its heaven on earth."

-Anonymous