The Real Me?

Darn, I'm getting way too slack with my posts. Well, after all this is where I come to vent my frustrations, and perhaps it is a good thing that I have fewer posts nowadays. Nah, I have way too many frustrations for that to be a valid argument, and if anything I am just like a volcano that is waiting to explode very soon with all the things that are consuming me.

The most recent thing bothering me is the question of identity. Didn't you always hear about teenagers seeking their own identity? Despite the fact that I would soon no longer qualify as one, this problem just happens to constantly trouble me. I had thought that I was already way past that stage, but yet when I try to pint point my own identity, it always felt that this identity of mine seems just out of grasp.

Take for example the case of my love life, or rather the lack of one. Most of my friends from my secondary school all the way to my CMC friends mostly know me as the resident desperado ("Desperado, why don't you come to your senses" from The Eagles keep on ringing in my head as I type this...). I talk incessantly about girls and romance and sex with them till they are more than just a little annoyed with me, since I somehow I just find the issue strangely fascinating (Well, don't we all?). However, this is about as far as I go regarding romanitc relationships. I don't flirt like a desperado, nor go out with that many girls, nor do I actively seek love or even to satisfy primitive desires... So in what way does that make me a desperado? You guys are accusing the innocent here!!!...?

Another problem is the case of my ambitions. As a child that was brought up on a steady diet of heroic as well as tragic war stories, it is therefore not surprising that I always wanted to be a military kind of guy. I wanted to be that tragic character who only finds himself in the battlefield, the one no one truly understands but despite that would want to have no one else to share a foxhole with, the one you think is a great guy though you would no get too close with. Well when this dream died with me not going to OCS (yes, I'm still bitter) and no wars to fight, I find that in a way in the battlefield of life I may have become that type of guy, which would be the greatest tragedy of all. When I realised though, it dawned on me that it would be better if I just lead a simple life, let life take its path and not think too much, since it would be for the worse since I'm the eternal pessimist that forces himself to be optimistic...

These are just the few of the things bothering me, and the more I think about them the less sure of myself I would be. A lot of people tell me I am a lot of different things, and each is true in its own unique way. However, since I have realised finding my identity is an exercise in futility, I guess I should let people see me as they desire and just do things as I will. Thinking about myself hurts...

Quote of the day

"Forming characters! Whose? Our own or others? Both. And in that momentous fact lies the peril and responsibility of our existence."

- Elihu Burritt