Regrets...

For some inexplicable reason, I have this strange feeling of depression setting into me... Some kind of sinking feeling, like when you finally realized the enormity of something which could have easily change how my life in the future would turn out but you fail to seize that chance. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently listening to some seriously depressing songs which I tend to play when I am depressed (definitely not helping things, but it sorts of fit the mood). It is not as if something drastic happened today, but this feeling just appeared when I read some of the blogs of my friends from my first 3 months in HC. Perhaps it was regretting the fact that I have failed to make it back to HC? Perhaps, but I would not trade away my friendships and memories I had in NJ for all the gold in the world (easy for me to say, since I can't).

I guess it may be the sense of helplessness at knowing that things have already turned out the way they are and there is nothing I could do all about it... it may be what we called regrets... Regretting not doing well enough in my O levels to return to HC, not even managing to qualify to RJ, not qualifying for OCS... However these things are but trinkets compared to the regrets I feel on a more personal level, of not knowing people as well as they deserve, not as good to them as they are to me, not taking the necessary steps to find love but choosing instead to bitch about it (as what I am doing now).

For those people who say they have lived their lives without any forms of regret, I say they must be lying to themselves. How could one claim to not have anything in their lives they would rather have done differently? We all have the benefit of hindsight, and we are denying our own growth as human beings if we claim we have no regrets since we are saying that we would have done the same thing despite knowing the consequences.

For those who know me as a despo, I must admit that in some ways I really am one... desperate to find that special someone but suffering from chronic fear of commitment that many members of the male gender share, only worse. I guess I think too much about a possible future even before asking one particular lady out, therefore worrying too much before even giving a relationship a chance to grow. Now that I am in NS though, it is most difficult for me to start asking any ladies out since most are already preoccupied with their uni work. I should have done so in JC, and I am most regretful of this failure to take the plunge.

I realized too though that sulking about things that you cannot change isn't exactly a productive way to deal with matters. While we acknowledge that we could have done things differently, it is also imperiative that we do not repeat the same mistake twice. It may sound cliche, but things are cliche because there is more common sense than intellect in them. After all the only thing we learn from the past is that nobody learns from them.

So I guess I should start remedying my lack of a love life... Nah... I am too lazy to start now... but this problem is for another entry.

Note to self: Don't write when feeling depressed, will make even less sense than I usually do, which isn't much to start with.

Quote of the day

"To regret deeply is to live afresh."

-Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

My Religion?

Religion
• noun 1 the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods. 2 a particular system of faith and worship. 3 a pursuit or interest followed with devotion.

-Compact Oxford English Dictionary

Religion, according to the great philosopher Karl Marx is but "opium for the masses". However, the pursuit of socialism that he had so fervently tried to spread throughout the world is also technically speaking a form of religion, thus making him another addict based on his own description. Hypocrite... Religion, in popular usage though generally refers to the first two forms mentioned above, and it is these forms which generally make me extremely uncomfortable when discussing them. Whenever anything religious is brought up in a conversation, I cannot help but feel cynical. It is as if the person who is trying to discuss religion forgets part of his rational self and indulges him or herself in what may or may not be true. Oftentimes I myself wonder the "Buddhist" stated in my ic is an accurate reflection of my own religion...

Do not get me wrong, for I have nothing against the various forms of religion. The moral leadership displayed by the various religions have led to much good being done in this world. For in the aftermath the recent Tsunami tragedy, various religious organizations have contributed greatly to the relief of the victims by different means. The problem though is that sometimes I wonder why must it that only through religion are people willing to do good for others. Very often we see on television former criminals who turn over a new leaf when some fatherly figure spread the word of god to them. While I applaud the religions for helping those who have strayed, why can it be done in a secular way?

The main reason I believe is that it is easier for someone to accept advice when it is deemed to come from a supreme being instead of a mere mortal, with the fatherly figure being a messenger of god. It seems to give more weight to the words spoken, as evident by the abundance of people quoting from the different religious scriptures, justifying anything from donating grandiose sums of money to the needy all the way to mass murder. The examples are too numerous to list. Therefore I wonder why people cannot just rely on common sense instead of following the so called words of God (with so many variations, how can one be sure which one to believe?).

Truthfully, I am not very sure whether I believe in the existence of God. From a Reader's digest article that I have read, it seems that there is a part of a brain that is responsible for our spiritual needs, perhaps explaining that religion is merely fulfilling a biological need. Which may explain why me, who is quite skeptical about all things religious can't help but pray before major examinations or tests. Or as the Chinese put it: "Hugging Buddha's legs at the last minute". It somehow always manages to soothe the jittery nerves of mine.

Then again, many things happen which cannot be explained in a scientific manner, with people resort to the supernatural for explanation. Which brings up something which irks me no end: how could certain religions claim to be superior to other religions which they claim are primitive when they are all trying to explain the same phenomenon through the supernatural? Just because more people with greater power believe it does not make it any more real than other religion. Even when most people in the world believe that the earth is flat, it did not make earth any less round. This type of attitude just smacks of hypocrisy and explains my misgivings about believing in any form of religion.

All these basically explains why I call myself a free-thinking agnostic Buddhist. My brain tells me I am a free thinker, my heart is partial to being agnostic while my surroundings shape me as a Buddhist. Whatever my religion is however, I sincerely hope that should I meet whoever God may be, I would be able to tell him that while I could have been a better man, I would be able to face him with as a clear a conscious that could be reasonably be expected from a mere mortal that is myself.

P.S: My other religion is the Arizona Diamondbacks... GO D'BACKS!!! (see the 3rd def above)

Quote of the day

" The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not."

-Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

Yesterday, Today and the Long and Winding Road Ahead

It seems just yesterday that I was looking forward to the year 2004, of getting my A level results, of enlisting in the army, of getting my driving license and the long break from school. At the same time, I was wondering whether I have wasted my 2003, having failing to put my plan B into action, not doing really that well for my physics paper and failing to win anything with my softball team. But how the river of time flows... It is already the year 2005 and I am still in a blur as to what happened in 2004...

2004 on a personal note holds many lasting memories... The main highlight of the first quarter of course would be getting my A level results. I still remember distinctly how I was trembling with a heady cocktail of anticipation and fear, worrying that my A level would be a fiasco like what my O level was. In the end though, it was about all that I could have reasonably hope for, but what should have been a moment of triumph turned to be strangely hollow, for not all my friends were as pleased with their results, and it puts dampener on everyone's mood. It must have been the feeling my friends felt when I my O level results, for it is difficult to be truly merry when others are feeling miserable about themselves.

The second quarter is basically dominated by BMT, of which I have already spoken much of. It is however most pleasant to find that despite the fact that our BMT platoon has all headed their own separate ways in the army we are still in contact with each other through various mediums. There is some true after all when the SAF says that BMT forges friendships through the hardships that were shared. And there was hardship aplenty in Jaguar company...

The third quarter was when I was a TSS who divided my time between one guards and CCO Stagmont, of which I am very grateful since I was able to meet and know more friends while at the same time learning first hand how similar but yet at the same time how vastly different the various units can be. It was basically quite a culture shock for me to go from the highly regimented 1 Guards to the happy go lucky Stagmont. While I was apprehensive about changing camps initially, it dawned upon me the fact that given time I will be able to adapt to the surroundings and more importantly the people for now I am also getting used to my current life in CCO Nee Soon as a combat medic.

The remainder of the year was basically me being stuck inside the School of Military Medicine (more popularly known as the School of Movie Making for teaching its students how to Wayang like a true pro...). While I have to admit there were times that I was bored out of senses, I must say that I actually take pride in the fact that I am learning things that may one day allow me to save someone's life, which is better than building a seven storey pagoda like what the Chinese like to say. It was also great from a personal standpoint for my platoon include many characters of which I was glad to be friends with.

As the year 2004 ended with a clamity that is Tsunami which hit Asia, it was a sobbering ending for what has been an eventful if not always pleasant year. This is perhaps a reminder to all of us how insignificant human life compared to the might of mother nature who cares not whether it is the festive season and a new year is coming. Then again it warms my heart to learn that the disaster has brought out the hero in many of us, with scores of people doing whatever is in their capacity to aid those affected by the disaster, from donating money to going in person to assist in the rescue and recovery operations, of which I hope to be part of as a medical personnel.

In a way though I see this as a good omen for 2005 instead of an ominous sign, for it signifies that while life may throw many challenges at us and make us feel like despairing, we will become emerge stronger because of it.

May 2005 be a better year ahead for all of us!

Quote of the day

"Flowers never emit so sweet and strong a fragrance as before a storm. When a storm approaches thee, be as fragrant as a sweet-smelling flower."

-Jean Paul Richter (1763 - 1825)