Loving more than being Loved

The weekend ahs ended too quickly for my liking, but what choice does an NSF have? Got to think about some things though, especially after watching I Do, I Do with my family on Saturday. The movie itself was full of cheap laughs and product placements that were too obvious for its own good, but it did strike a cord in me as it was about a despo, which by now most people should be only too aware of that I am one too. Like me, he is looking for love. Unlike me, he actually has a target. He even goes to such lengths as to reject quite an attractive Ang Moh, staying true to his real love, the ok but not overwhelmingly pretty Sharon Au. How many men have this type of emotional fortitude in real life? I seriously have no idea.

It got me wondering: would I be able to stay the path and concentrate all the way on a girl that I set my eyes on? I would like to think that I can, but unfortunately I have yet to be able to say for certain since I never really have a person of my dreams who I can say without an inkling of a doubt I would like to spend the rest of my life with (Too much for a guy who is barely out of his teens? I think so too). There are many girls that I thought I like, but I cannot say for sure whether it was merely infaturation or something more than that. Being quite the passive person, it was also difficult for me to explore the possibility of a relationship by actively asking the girl out. I tried asking a girl out before, but when she was not free on those occasions it would probably be too much for me to ask her out the third time. In baseball terms, I was afraid of striking out the third time.

Disgusted at my own lack of luck (or is it attractiveness?), I was to move on in search of greener pastures. I'm not quite sure whether I would have been successful have I been more persistent, but I guess I would not be able to find out since time has taken its toll and to ask the same girl out would just smack of insincerity. I think I was just waiting for a sign from the girl that I had a chance, but when I saw no sign coming it was the sign for me to give up.

Pathetic is the word many would use to describe this courtship, if it can even be called that. The problem with me in my opinion is that I need indications that a girl would be interested in me. When I know I have a chance, then only would I be ready to be totally committed to the girl. After all, a futile war is just throwing lives away, and so it is in the game of relationships. Some may argue that nothing ventured nothing gained, but the possibility of getting hurt is just too daunting a prospect for me to contemplate. I guess it is just the way I am, once you give me something, I will give you a lot more back, and love is no different.

My track record though may mean I have to swallow those very words though. There was this girl in secondary school then who did a lot of things for me, like buying gifts, making jelly for me. While I appreciate her generosity, I only treated her as a friend. Not that I'm a heartless arsehole, but I did suggest she was interested in me of which she vehemently denied. I should have known better, but still I took her word at face value. Another girl I was interested in secondary too did suggest through a mutual friend that she might be interested in me, but I was too chicken to just laugh it off... That it what a boy's school would do to passive guys like me (I'm just looking for scapegoats...).

But that is in the past and I have yet to find the green pastures to feed this lonely soul. Nowadays one particular girl is constantly on my mind, and I wonder whether I am falling in love again, but more importantly whether I even have a chance with her. A one-sided love doesn't sound like a particularly attractive prospect. On the other hand nobody has hit a home run without conquering the fear of striking out... So this time I think I will be singing for the fences.

Wish me luck guys... Though most likely I will chicken out... Sigh

Quote of the day

" Dance like no one is watching; Sing like no one is listening; Love like you've never been hurt; Live like its heaven on earth."

-Anonymous

Lonely Valentine

Tomorrow is the time of the year again where couples reaffirm their love; where secret admirers confess to the lover of their dreams; where unlucky NSFs sulk in camp wondering what in the world aren't they doing the other type of national service; where singles who have no excuse to be alone during the celebration of love try to dismiss the day as a means of commercial exploitation but secretly feel miserable for not being exploited. No prizes for guessing which group this writer belongs to.

On the buildup towards Valentine, you always have tons of media constantly reminding you that the day is coming, and I guess one can't help but get all worked up about it. Despite the fact that I am firmly entreched in singlehood, I also feel the tinge of anticipation building inside me. Singles everywhere can most likely empathise with me regarding this feeling of hope:that the person you have been admiring all along will ask you out that day, and the two of you will realise that the feeling is mutual and end with you and your partner riding into the sunset to live happily ever after.

Tonight however, like so many times before, nothing has come to pass as I count down to Valentine's day with my every word. I am still clinging to the possibility that on Valentine itself something magical might happen, but I am only kidding myself. There is absolutely no signs which evenly remotely suggests anything special happening, and sadly but surely it will be just like any other day, which would be the greatest tragedy of all.

It is to be expected though, as how can one expect flowers to bloom if no seeds are sown? No girl have I asked out on that day, and my qualities no girl deemed worthy enough to take the initiative to ask me out. It is not that I have an inflated sense of my self worth not to ask any girl out though, but I am not sure about how the singles market is holding up, and I can foretell that if I asked a girl who is attached out the situation would be more that a little awkward, with a friendship that would most likely go down the drain as well. And about the latter... (cue tears and quiet sobbing...)

At the very least though, I can take comfort at the fact that I would not be the only single to spend Valentine alone, although I would not mind having an excuse at not having a date such a being on duty. Also that there will always be next year... and the next... and the next... until I end up in SDU or getting a mail order bride (Vietnamese or others? oh the dilema...)

P.S: In the end, while I come up with all these quirky theories, I guess it would be so much simpler had I just taken action to remedy my sorry state... But I can testify that what they say about the first step being the hardest is true. A helpful nudge would be very much appreciated : )

Quote of the day

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."

- Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

Geeting things off my chest...

Well usually I try to deal with specific topics, since it gives me a better idea of what to write... With the Chinese New Year rapidly approaching though, I thought it best that I get some things off my chest, for even if I can do nothing about these problems, at least I can bitch and moan and generally make myself feel better to welcome the new lunar new year. So please bear with my bitching.

Just had the IQA yesterday at my medical centre and despite getting a day's warning thanks to my senior medic's shrewdness, my Nee Soon MC only to managed a measely 74 marks out of a possible 100. You may not think it too bad, but when compared with my previous MC in Stagmont camp which managed a perfect 100, its like heaven and earth. I do not think that the whole fault lies with us though. After all we are the second busiest MC in the SAF and we are sharing our roof with other units which are part of the IQA but not under my senior medic's control. To make it worse, we are still in the midst of handing and taking over. Added to the fact that we are what is commonly termed a goalkeeper unit (cleaning up the shit others left behind, and believe me, everyone gives us shit), how can one realistically expect us to do well?

It also has me thinking about the need to have this IQA. I believe that all the working men and women know about this thing called ISO where companies have to meet certain standards. Did I say standards? Pardon me for I mean loads of unnecessary paper work just to make your things LOOK nice. Other than that it serves no other purpose but to make life miserable for people like yours truely. The intention for implementing such standarsds may be decent, but the increase workload just distracts medics from the purpose of running the medical centre. Looks good on paper? Possibly. Greater efficiency? Unlikely. Waste of time? Definitely.

No wonder the term bureaucrats has negative connotations.

Talking about the medical centre, it would be crimminal for me not to mention the types of people I encounter. If people are here for only honest purposes, life in the medical centre is actually pretty chill... but that never ever happens. You have those people who want to cao keng, which I despise as much as my MO since it means more work for all of us. What irks me no end though is that you MUST give them the benefit of the doubt, though few of them deserve it. The other type which are extremely annoying are those people who have an inflated sense of their importance and expect to be served immediately like paying customers. Well in the SAF you don't pay, we will do our jobs to our best with the limited resources we have, so bugger off!!! Unfortunately high ranks and inflated egos make a deadly cocktail for humble medics, and we are constantly in a drunken stupor.

Valentine's day is nearly upon us soon too and I have yet to find myself a date. Guess it will be another lonely Valentine's day for poor me. For budding love birds it is a time to fall deeper into love, for seasoned couples it is a chance to reaffirm their love, for forgotten love it is a chance to rekindle the love, but for singles it is to remind you that you have no love... sigh... Any single ladies seeking love? Darn its the despo in me speaking again...

Heard that NUS is now allowing people to take double degrees, and the one which caught my interest is the law/economics combination. I got into law because I would rather deal with words rather than numbers, yet I also have a soft spot in my heart for economics since it was my best subject in JC... this double degree will let me get the best of both worlds. Then again from what I've learned law by itself is hard enough, so is it worthwhile to burden myself with such another subject? Furthermore since I already had a hard time getting into law, what makes me think I can take this course. Wouldn't mind trying though, just to take a glimpse of the girls if nothing else... (cue evil perverted laughter...)

Is it me or is there fewer pretty JC girls using public transport nowadays? Somehow I feel that I always end up seeing too few of them to brighten up my day... Maybe it is due to the fact that I get off work too early, or maybe fewer of them are living in woodlands; if so it would be quite saddening, since I always find girls in JC uniform particularly attractive... So I've revealed what my fetish is, but please note that I didn't REALLY say it. Someone is abusing my account.

Well enough bitching about life now. Chinese New Year is nearly upon us I would like to wish everyone a joyous festive season, and a healthy and prosperous lunar new year ahead. Particularly healthy, so less people will report sick and make my lunar new year less than joyous...

Quote of the day

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

-Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)