Contemplating my not so distant future...

When I realized that I have made it into the Law faculty of NUS, I could barely contain my joy. Somehow, being able to beat out numerous other applicants for the limited places gives me intense satisfaction at being the few. I was spreading the good news around to anyone who was remotely willing to listen, feeling quite haughty about my accomplishments. Just being in law to a certain degree seems to imply that I am destined to make it in life, and that I will be the envy of my peers. The fact that some of I can make it into law with people I have always thought to be superior to me did wonders for my self-confidence (especially since the cup was usually half-empty to me).

However, the pessimist with a serious inferiority complex within is talking to me again. The fact that I made it to law means that a certain standard is expected of me: which means that should I fail to meet the standards that would definitely be set quite high I may be given the boot. Not exactly a pleasant thought, since I am not particularly fond of working under such pressure. And my fellow law students are most likely those who are driven; which scares the daylights out of me.

Ah my fellow law students. Though I have not yet met them, I am beginning to form a impression of how they might be like. As most are aware, law students tend to and must be the most outspoken bunch on campus, and at the same time tend to be bananas (yellow on the outside, white on the inside... Go figure). What is a guy such as me who grow up in a mandarin speaking family who is not exactly eloquent doing here? The point is further driven home by the fact that I know a lot of those going law, they can convince Eskimos to buy ice(in English of course), to say the least. And lawyers must be a bunch of self confident bastards(no offence intended)... Which I am unfortunately (or fortunately) not. Somehow I feel that I may be in the wrong place.

What I am most concerned though, is that the girls there will be of the qualities mentioned above, which puts my plan C (my friends would know what it means) at risk. How could a guy such as me who is deep inside a introvert, a pessimist, a cheena, and not quite handsome or charming enough to make up all that suppose to find a mate there, with guys that are the opposite of me? Thank goodness for the fact that the faculty of arts and social science is just beside law... The girls there seem to be more my type. Worst come to worst though, I may have to resort to the SDU (the horror..) or worse a mail-ordered bride (....!!!!). I cringe at the mere thought of that...

Does that I mean I may change my faculty? Perhaps... But quitting is not exactly my cup of tea. People are fighting for a chance to be in law and I am going to just give up place? No way in Hell or heaven. There is always the hope that things will work out, and as I always believe that hope springs eternal....

Quote of the day

"If you wish success in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother and hope your guardian genius."

-Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)

The freedom of a driving license

Finally, after months of toil, and what I consider quite pointless driving revisions, I have gotten the elusive driving license. To many people, getting a driving license is but a phase of their lives, a means so that they would be able saved the hassle of taking a public transport. It is however something much more important to me than that. Me, as a car fanatic, constantly long for the freedom of driving without someone looking over your shoulder, to drive the way I want and not live in fear of making a mistake. Most importantly though it is a matter of pride that car fanatic should first have a driving license to be considered a "true" car fanatic.

People who know me that I am quite obssessed with cars: Witness the number of car magazines that I have borrowed from the libraries. They know that at anyone time they can find at least one copy of a car magazine in my bag. This is nothing special though, since many a hot-blooded young male are obssesed with these wonderful machines. What is so special though is that I unlike many other car fanatics, it seem to take me forever to get my driving license. While taking four times to get the license dosen't seem all that much, my friends who know me kept me so acutely aware of the fact that I keep on failing made it seems like eternity.

My Chinese High friends (most notably Fatt and Xf) who long for the day that I can finally drive them around town; My NJC friends who can't stop reminding me that the supposedly outstanding driver given my skill at Gran Turismo takes so many times to pass the test; My NS friends who just plain take advantage of my misery of failing for a good laugh ( though the rest are guilty too...); and those who at one stage or another suggested I wear a short skirt to the test since those girls almost pass (you know who you are)... I have to say a big thank you (note: add sarcarsm generously and stir well), for without you people, passing the test would not be that satisfying.

You know how sometimes people who want things damn badly just simply could not get it, while those who cannot care less about it could get it without breaking a sweat. This just happens to be my case. I have started leraning to drive earlier than a lot people, and yet so many of them have gotten their license ahead of me. This is despite the fact that driving is a convenience to them but a passion to me. It just irks me no end.

I could not complain however, since by failing the test so many times have brought me firmly down to earth to realise that I am but a mere mortal, as much a bobo driver as anyone else. Only through an alert mind and careful driving could I pass the tests. I learned games are just games and I am finally convinced that I am not Artyon Senna reborn. Perhaps only through practice could I aquire a higher level of driving ability. I am also not so anxious to drive all around the place until I am totally confident about my ability. I would at the same time not put my friends life at risk, unlike someone I know (*cough* ..Louis.. *cough*). And the relief of passing: Priceless.

Quote of the day

"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car."

- Kenneth Tynan

Death and the rational mind

"As I walked through the valley of Death, I shall fear no evil because I am the meanest SOB in it."

- WWII US Marine Corps fighter squadron's unofficial prayer

Isn't it quite morbid for someone, namely me, who is basking in the glory of youth to be talking about something which seems so distant away for many a young man? It would not however seem so morbid if you think about how much death surrounds us. Three years ago on this faithful day more than 5000 lives were extinguished, and just a few days ago there was yet another terroist attack on the Australian embassy in Indonesia. While the latter incident seemed close to home, nothing brings home the point more than a close shave with death, of which I have the privilege to experience thanks to my close friend Louis.

After an enjoyable squash game, we set off on his car to look for some good makan to fill our empty stomachs. This being the first time I was being driven by him, I was suitably apprehensive. However, seeing how he was being so comfortably reckless (for I believe that a confident reckless driver can only be skillful) I became more relaxed. However after we topped up the fuel tank in Bukit Timah road, we planned to head towards Adam road. Therefore we made a U-turn into Dunearn road... And straight into the path of a speeding car. As that car made a hard and noisy emergency brake (probably with a smattering of Hokkien vulgarities), and before the close shave has sunk in. My dear friend, probably just as shell shocked as me, then panicked. Which means speeding away from the scene at a speed that is best not mentioned. It was then when I realised how easily I could have gotten my life snuffed out in a moment of carelessness, and at how fragile life is.

What is there to fear about death? Everyone has to face it sometime in their lives. You can run away from the Grim Reaper, but in the end there is no hiding away from it. Some may say that it is actually the fear of the pain that is associated with dying. I think pain actually makes you feel more alive. Ask any soldier; they love pain since that means you are not dead yet. After all, there are many painless way to die. Does it make death any less scary? Apparently not.

In my humble opinion, death is such a daunting prospect because we lose the thing which makes us so special: consciousness. When we die, we become non-existant, as in a sense we no longer are. Various religions have various explanations to what happens to you after death, ranging from eternal damnation to eternal bliss. What they all have in common though, is a comforting thought that your consciousness will continue on. That there will still be a you. I believe though that life is but an accident of nature and so are we. The most likely truth is that even if you leave behind a legacy, it matters not. You will not be aware of it.

Does it mean that people should now despair? Most definitely not. What we should do is be grateful to have lived, not sadden by the fact that we are going to die. Don't you consider it a blessing to have known for once that you have existed compared to beings that have not or could not? When you are not aware that you have lived, what difference does it make to live or die?

Quote of the day

" Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not."

-Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC), from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers

Seeing love across the genders

I just had a class gathering this Saturday, and it was a most pleasant experience to catch up with my classmates beyond my immediate clique of which I go out on a quite consistent basis. What made it more rewarding was that I got to sit with three girls that are not in my immediate clique. Having talk mainly with guys for most of my life, it was quite a revealing experience to just sit with girls and learn about their views and experiences. And in contrast to what Einstein said about women being impossible to understand, I find that both genders seem to be remarkably similar.

As our society becomes more open, the gender roles which seemed to be rooted into our culture has gradually diminished, which makes both genders remarkably similar in both our outlook in life and love. Having talked to the girls, I realized guys gossip and bitch as much, if not even more than the girls. The things they talk about are remarkably similar: members of the opposite gender, their miserable lives, how the lives of others compare to theirs and entertainment to name a few.

Perhaps due to the fact that the girls and I treat each other and friends, it was much more easier to talk about their outlook on their love lives. It may also be due to the fact that two of the girls having broken up, we can relate to each other better since we are all now on the open market, waiting for a lucky buyer. Which reminds me how uncomfortable I felt talking to them sometimes since I worry about their boyfriends finding me threatening (my handsome looks... nah), or worst of all, I end up falling in love with them, which thankfully did not come to pass.

But I digress. The most important point I discovered is that both the girls and me, while sometimes having dreams about our ideal romance and having crushes which were just plain infaturation and not love, are just looking for that elusive spark between the two. More often than not though, unfortunately, the spark is only on one side. Or as one of the girls relate, she had this spark with this guy she met in Uni. Sadly though the guy did not have the spark for her. The most tragic part though, is that when the guy finally had this spark for her, by then her spark has already died down. A chance missed. Not so she claims, since the more she sees of him the less attracted she was. It was spark that was destined to die out I guess. If you read my previous posts, you can see that I have a remarkably similar experience.

Now that I think of it, our relationships with both genders can actually be compared. You may have many friends of the same gender, but it is only with some of them that you can become best friends with. With the opposite gender, you can have many friends, but there are only a few you are totally comfortable with. What makes it even more difficult though, is that instead of just being best friends in the case of the same gender, there is this only one of the opposite gender in which you want to spend the rest of your life with.

P.S: In case you are wondering, I will reassure you that I am comfortable in my own masculinity despite talking with girls like long lost sisters... Though I wonder if I have a chance with the girls... Hmmmm....

Quote of the day

"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose."

-Rob Cella